totally heart broken and lost

[carol pearson]

4 weeks ago today I had to make the heart renching decision to put my darling, gentle Ozzy to sleep.
I have tried to write this a couple of times but got too upset and seemed to go on too long.
Ozzy was 11 and had been having a few issues over the last 5 years including anal glad cancer 4 years ago. He was doing ok but was diagnosed with pancreatitis about 6 months ago. This was discovered when I had taken him with bouts of soft poo and constipation. He was being treated for this but we could not get on top of the constipation.
My vet and I thought it was food related and tried different things extra veggies, bran flakes, herbs etc and lactalose when needed and he  would respond for a couple of days. My vet then suggested a raw diet, mainly for the pancreatitis but also hoping it would help with the constipation. After a couple of weeks he seemed to be responding and on the sunday and monday his poos were perfect. I was over the moon it was the best he had been for months.
But on the tuesday he became constipated again on the wednesday I gave him some lactalose because he was just trying to go all day and night. When nothing happened by the friday morning I decided he needed to go to vets, it was breaking my heart seeing him keep trying.
We had an appointment at 11.30 with my usuall vet and when she checked his bottom she said Oh dear, its not diet there is a lump. She said it could not wait till monday and would operate right away and asked when he had his breakfast which was at 7.
I phoned at 2 and was told he was still being operated on to call at 3, which I did and was told he was fine and to col 
to collect him at 6.30.  The vet explained that she thought it may be cancer and that she could not garrantee to have removed it all. She took my through to him and explained that his vital signs where fine but he was very sleepy. He did wake up and she said was thinking that he should to to the emergency vets for overnight. But I said I would rather take him home has my last dog who 16 and was kept overnight and was dead the next morning. She agreed to let him come home and he was carried to my car fast asleep.
He never really came round and about 8.30 he tried  to raise him self a couple of times and he was breathing very very fast and did not look right. I phoned the emergency vet and was told to take him in right away. He still had not woken up properly. They put him right on oxygen and iv. The vet then said they thought it was just pain from the operation and they would give him some more pain relief and to go and have a good nights sleep.
But they phoned at 1.30 and said he was very poorly and that he was very anemic blood not clotting and bleeding from nose ect. The only thing that could help would be a blood transfusion but that he was so poorly the shock would kill him.
When I got there the vet went over what he had told me on the phone and I felt the only thing I could do was to agree to put him to sleep. He was still asleep but I kept taking to him I was desperate that he knew I was there and had come to take him home.
But every day since I keep going over everything that happened, it seemed to happen so quick and I did not have time to think.
If it had not been a friday my vet would probably have operated the next morning and he would have had more recovery time there before he was moved.
Should I have let him go straight to the overnight vets.
Should I have made the vet do the blood transfusion it was his only chance.
I feel that has  I did not know this vet could it be that he could not be bothered with the blood transfusion.
I realised later that although he said he was loosing blood , there was no sign of this when I got there.
I was that upset that I could not take in a lot of what he was saying.
My own vet phoned my on the monday and I was still to upset to even talk properly so I dont know why he became anaemic.
I just feel that there are a lot of what ifs, and that he loved me so much and trusted me and I let him down.
I will never get over this and will never go through this again

[8 Hairy Feet]

Carol please don't feel as though you let
Ozzy down because I can assure you that the sad
words you have written tell another tale...they speak of
someone who loves and cares for their dog and has tried
to help them get better.
You sound traumatised which is understandable, it's been
an awful shock....it's so recent too.
I wish I could give you a hug.
Run free Ozzy ...send your Mum a rainbow

[Markr64]

I have been reading this with a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. It is hard to know what to do for the best even when we are given more time and I think that you have done Ozzy proud. He knew that he was loved and you gave him a great life and a dignified end. It sounds like he did not suffer in those final few hours and you were with him till the end which would have been a great comfort to your special boy.
I know from past experience it is very difficult each day as there are no more walks or that friendly welcome, but remember these wonderful times and keep his face and spirit in your heart and you will soon hurt less and realise that you done all you could and what was meant to be happened.
Run free little Ozzy and have fun at the bridge. 

[carol pearson]

Thank you, I needed to tell someone else and know that most of you have lost much loved dogs and would understand. My family keep telling me to stop going over and over what has happened but I cant help it. I cant stop crying. He was my life.

[MacTavish Boys]

Steff and Mark have put it into wonderful words. Ozzy was obviously very much loved and cared for by you. please take comfort in this and that you were able to be with him until the end thinking of you at this very sad time
Run free at the Bridge Ozzy and send a rainbow to your Mummy 
Stephanie, George and Hamish xxx

[Geordietyke]

If there is anyone who can understand and know what you are going through, it's us COL'ers.  It is such a devastating and heartbreaking time and it will hurt for a long time to come but you must understand that you done everything you could for Ozzy.  Just being his best friend, caring for him and loving him, what more could a dog want    There will always be "what if's" but you will only beat yourself up over it, I should know.  I hope you gain a little comfort knowing he is pain-free now and running madly with all our other rainbow babies    Be kind to yourself and take care    Lesley x

[tenaille]

so so sorry for you and your pain, we all understand and are thinking of you. run free Ozzie

[MIN]

Although we sometimes think we are, we are not Gods. Beings who have power over life and death. We are the mere mortals who have to face and fight the anguish that these beings send us.
You did your best , no, you did everything in your power to fight Ozzy's corner but sometimes that extra mile is just to far. Ozzy had a good life and knew you loved him. That is all they want in their lives. Its hard but do not beat yourself up with the "what ifs". You were there for him during his life and with him at his new beginning.
Run free Ozzy

[daydreams]

i am so sorry to hear how your are feeling,  from what you described,  it comes across how much you loved your little ozzy,
I lost my little girl bracken a few weeks ago, and although in my heart I know I did the right thing, I feel so guilty , what if I had asked this, or should they have tried that,  I think part of grieving is going through the what if's,

take comfort that you were there for him, and no matter how much you were hurting, you were there.  he knew you were there, I'm sure, they sense it, he would have felt so comforted knowing you were with him.

Perhaps he has met up with my girl Bracken, and are running free

take care of yourself,


Maria

[bizzylizzy]

I'm so sorry to hear this, I cannot add anymore but can only endorse all the comments that have been made here so far and hope that they offer you some comfort during the next few days and weeks. MIN has made a good point, we care so much for them and look after them and try to protect them from all ills throughout their lives and its hard to accept that at some point we can do no more other than love them and be with them to help them when they move on. You really did do everything you could and by the sounds of things,  any further life prolonging treatment would probably not have given Ozzy any quality of life. You will come to accept this in time, right now you're in mourning and don't let anyone tell you its less than it would be for any other family member. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time but do try and shake off the feeling of guilt, you really did everything right you know, there's nothing you should reproach yourself for and take comfort that there are a lot of us out here who know EXACTLY how you feel and are thinking of you. Take care!
Run free at the bridge Ozzy!

[carol pearson]

Thank you so much for your replies. I knew I could rely on you for understanding and words of comfort and it has really helped. I know it is normal to feel guilty, I felt the same when I lost my last cocker Max but this seems so much worse. I just miss him so much, there are so many things to remind me every day, he used to wake me every day with a kiss and even just the post and paper arriving has he used to carry them into us. I could go on and on but I wont. This is the third and last time, I could not go threw this again. This time seems so much worse.

Maria, so sorry for your loss of Bracken. It is very comforting thought that they may be  running around together.

My love and best wishes to you all and your precious little friends.

Carol

[sweetpj]

So sorry for your loss 

[Pearly]

It really sounds as though you and the Vet did everything possible for Ozzy, it was his time to go and from what you've typed, he went peacefully and in as little pain as possible. 

My Oriental cat went in for an X-Ray and didn't come home.  He was only 10 and had been constipated, with bouts diahorrea and of vomitting which led both the Vet and myself to think he had pancreatitis  the X-Ray showed him riddled with cancer, most likely lymphoma as his blood results came back the following day as 'sticky blood' (he was a haemophilic so it was a complete shock).  Until the X-ray he seemed OK in himself and even now I wonder if I did the right thing in asking the Vet not to wake him up - I wasn't with him when he went.

The greatest gift we can give our loyal pets is to release them from suffering.

I'm very sorry for your loss.  Run free little Ozzy 

[revis]

I am so sad for you with t he loss of Ozzy. You cared for him  so much and you were with him. A few years ago I had to let Calum go when he was in for his op. Ozzy knew how much you loved and cared for him. you will see each other again and he will be full of love for you. Run free Ozzy and lots of prayers for you.

[ejp]

You poor soul, my heart breaks for you 
You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for, you did everything you could.  Things happen so quickly and can often appear from nowhere.
It does not stop you from analysing and rethinking what happened.  Be kind to yourself. 
Run free Ozzy.