Why do husbands not listen?

[Han]

I am getting somewhat exasperated with the way my husband manages Darcey's behaviour. She is a poppet for me all day, but loves her daddy and goes absolutely wild with excitement when he comes home in the evening. I know when his car has come down the drive because I can hear her woo wooing and scratching at the back door in anticipation  He takes her out for a walk every evening, though not at the same time each night (and she gets a good walk with me in the day too). Most of the evening is then spent with her barking and barking, leaping off the furniture, throwing her toys around and generally being a monkey. She mouths him a lot too and sometimes he complains that she has bitten him when he's playing with her. Because he plays rough, despite me repeatedly telling him not to. He seems completely incapable of reading her "I'm getting very wound up" signs and just winds her up more and more, then gets cross with her when she oversteps the mark.

I do see this excitement during the day too, especially if someone comes to the house, but have learned to manage her. Especially with a 6 week old baby in the house it is very important that I can keep her calm and settled.

I keep telling him to ignore her when she's barking, but he doesn't, he talks to her constantly. He only ever seems to use one command with her, which is her name said in a variety of frustrated tones of voice. I have pointed out that he is wearing her name out and teaching her to ignore him, that he risks ruining her recall and needs to use different commands. For example, I use leave it/ ah ah (if she's doing something she shouldn't)/ hush now (for barking)/ be gentle (if she's sniffing Libby)/ biscuit (to get her in from the garden). I also ignore her if I don't have time to play with her. She's far from perfect but it works okay for us.

I feel like I am nagging and telling him the same things over and over, but it's driving me mad. Her behaviour in the evenings is getting worse and worse and he is just not helping by being so inconsistent.

What can I do?? He won't listen to me and I feel like a nagging wife. He is knackered as we all are due to small baby and he is getting really cross with Darcey, saying that she is hard work, impossible and ruins his evenings. Well I spend all day with her and she is just delightful! But she can get a bit wearing.

Would appreciate any tips on a) getting husbands to listen and b) anything obvious I am missing with Darcey, easy things to do or tell him to stop her being quite so exciteable in the evenings.

[minimoo]

at a year old she should be showing a bit more respect with her teeth (as in mouthing/biting) but if he will wind her up he cant expect her to just switch off when it suits him, playing rough with her is just another way of winding her up IMHO , could he try and do something constructive with her like a bit of training,he could try doing what we call "playing the game" i hide small treats all around the room and then let the dogs in and they search for them its their favorite thing to do on an evening when they are bored, they get very good at it very quickly but it does occupy their minds for abit    i agree with not constantly using her name, to nag her my friend did this with her akita and he just switched off from her you could see it happening in his face , he had no recall at all in the end as he just took no notice of his name at all

[Becky and Wilson]

Oh poor you!  Sounds like a very awkward situation to be in!

Is Darcey crate trained?  Maybe when she starts being a bit crazy in the evenings you could have a constructed game of fetch or tuggy with her to tire her a little and then put her in her crate for quiet time?!

That way OH can't be winding her up!  In fact it would be more to keep her away from him rather than the other way around!

Do you ever walk her together?  Maybe join him in the evening walk to see how he is with her, if he's doing any training whilst walking.....although that might make you more concerned if he's not doing anything!  

I hope he gets better with her soon, like you said with a young baby Darcey needs to be able to remain calm around the house!  How about bringing in a rule of play is only allowed out in the garden to avoid baby, especially for when the baby starts to crawl and walk!  Perhaps you husband will listen if you explain the harm that could be done to the baby if he carries on winding darcy up, the "bite" he got from her during play will surely be a lot more harmful if accidentally directed at the baby!

I hope someone else will come along with more usefull advice!

Becky

[debrand]

My daughter and her OH own Finn our Newfie pup. Her OH showed me the scratches on his arms the other day from being mouthed roughly by Finn  . I was shocked as they live with us and if we say "ah ah" and then "Kiss" Finn immediately stops mouthing and licks gently 
Then my daughter told me that she had come in to find her OH rolling Finn on floor, growling at him and generally encouraging rough play 
Needless to say that having grown up with dogs she had very strong words with him. 
Dogs need consistency in handling and with a young baby in the mix you can't afford to take chances. I wouldn't worry about nagging-it is more important for the safety of your baby that this is sorted. Perhaps you could get someone else such as a dog trainer to talk to him?  He might listen to someone he feels is an expert 

[Helen]

he really needs to grow up and listen to you Han, you have a 6 week old baby - how would he feel if he wound Darcy up in excitement and she accidentally caught your baby with her teeth?

I don't really know what to suggest, training classes would be the best option (obviously this is training your husband not Darcy  ) but would he even consider them?

Otherwise I think you'll just have to lay it on the line -  if his actions with the dog caused hurt to your baby and you had to consider re-homing Darcy (or worse  ) he would be responsible... 

[mcphee]

Poor you. This is not good with a young baby, so OH needs to get a grip. I cannot help you with a) as I got rid of mine. As to b) I have never understood why so many men seem to think that dogs are wild play things. At 1 Rufus was far from the calmest cocker, but I was beginning to make in roads at home. However, my male friends would always react to his excited greeting and play games so that he would get hyper. I had to be really stern with one friend, who even now tries to wind him up. Like Livercake suggested I tried to shock him into understanding the risks of the behaviour, but I still notice that Rufus reacts to him differently. I agree that the sensible talk about the risks, and an agreed greeting strategy sound a good start. Good luck.

[Joules]

Agree with the others - he needs to be the grown up now and stop winding Darcey up 

Otherwise, just get a crate for him instead 

[Tattydi]

Agree with the others - he needs to be the grown up now and stop winding Darcey up 

Otherwise, just get a crate for him instead 

I agree!

[Karma]

Is there any way you can video her during the day (maybe get someone to come around and set up a few situations so you can respond accordingly) so you can show your OH the better way to deal with it?  People can quickly switch off to hearing the same thing, but maybe showing him the difference in her behaviour might give him the kick up the bum he needs...

[laurenollie]

You could of described our situation to a tee - except we don't have a baby yet and Ollie is 2.

Whenever Ollie is home with just 1 of us he is a little angel (pretty much most of the time) but when me and OH get together ie when i come home form work and Oh has got up Ollie gets crazy with excitement. I can quite easily ignore him but OH ends up winding him up and Ollie wants to play more, when OH has enough he expects Ollie just to stop! He cann't ignore him and it makes it worse!! I've tried and tried to tell him but he won't listen. I'm thinking of taking Ollie back to training classes as he really enjoys it and will try to talk OH into to coming to some so he might learn something! I think i may be slowly getting through to OH and if it does get a bit too much he will now put Ollie in his cage for a time out!!!

I can't really help but your not the only in this situation - i'll be watching this thread with interest to see if there is any advice!!

L&O x

[ruby ruby doo]

oh lol    husband in a crate...perfect solution...I have to say..I don t think this is a problem confined to dogs and men!  My ex never understood that rough play with three little girls was not a good idea either as inevitably they grew bigger and he got squashed..!!!
Bottom line is you have to tell him what you have told us..!!!!or let him read the advice!!! men are nt good at subtle hints...they understand the direct approach..never mind nagging that is a woman concept...square up to him..and have a "man to man" talk! tell him whats what directly but firmly...send him to wrestling classes if he wants to wrestle!!
good luck!!

[LinzHenz]

this also describes my dad to a tee  all rough and tumble til he gets bored and then wonders why henry continues to carry on. when he was 6months old i left him with my parents overnight and came back to tales of him doing the wall of death round the living room furniture and he'd chewed the arm off the garden bench! found this unbelievable as he's never done anything like that at mine  but they spent the whole day 'entertaining' him and i think he went past the point of being able to switch off. they'd never do that with kids but seemed not to get it with the puppy.

my current bloke is also a contradiction with the dog. he looks at henry all the time and i told him to ignore him or he'll pester you...that didnt sink in until we went to get some pics done at a photo place and the photographer told him the same thing - ignore him and that means dont look at him. and guess what, it worked at home and he said 'ah im just doing what that photographer said, he really knows what he's on about' !!! so maybe the men need to hear it from an 'expert' 

[Lilly's Mum]

Get a water spray bottle (like the ones used for watering plants).

Tell him that you've been advised by a dog trainer to use it whenever there is inappropriate behaviour as a sort of aversion therapy.

Then when he calls her name or winds her up ZAP HIM!!!! It shouldn't take too long for the message to get through!!

[Han]

Thanks everyone!

I should point out that my husband is a generally thoroughly lovely man but he is really struggling with this. I think he sees Darcey as "one more hassle" when he gets in from work - he just expects her to be impeccably behaved and lovely with no effort from him. I do need to make him see that her behaviour is in response to his.

She hasn't mouthed or bitten me for months now. I never play rough with her and if she gets  a bit over excited when I am tickling her belly I just stop - whereas he doesn't and it escalates. Livercake - you're right and I do have concerns. I can sit feeding the baby on the sofa and Darcey wil come to lie next to me, but I have seen him winding her up (by tickling her or throwing her toys) while cuddling the baby on the sofa and that is just no good at all. I told him and he stopped and to be fair hasn't done that again since.

I like the idea of a structured game in the evenings. I will suggest that. We do all walk together sometimes and he is lovely with her, she has good recall and he has trained her to stick close to him when cyclists etc come by, not to leap up at passers by and to sit patiently for her treats. He did the majority of her walks while I was pregnant and they have a good relationship in that context. He also has a good morning routine with her, he gets up with her first thing and does some clicker training - he has taught her how to catch biscuits, all useful stuff   but she is calm then.

I think we need an evening routine maybe? She seems to behave better when she knows what to expect. And then we can build in time for him to spend with Libby too. It is hard at the moment because she (the baby) is unsettled in the evenings and not sleeping, but I think that might help D and hubby. Karma - I like the idea of the video. When she is being lovely I say to him "this is how she is in the day" but I don't think he makes the link. Training classes would be good but there's nothing local (min 40 minute drive) it's just another thing to pile into his evenings at the mo ... maybe as things get more settled I will look into that. It would do them both good tbh. Hmmm.

Lauren - glad I'm not alone! There have been big changes in the house recently for all of us and it's a lot for everyone to adjust to. But I am getting more and more worried. Also it would be nice to have more peaceful evenings!

Lilly's mum  or maybe I could try positive reinforcement and reward him with chocolate when he does right   

[MegandMolly]

Can you clicker train the pair of them to 'calm down'? 

I understand your frustration, would it be possible that you could have a walk for half an hour where the two of them can play with the chuckit etc, hopefully the pair will be worn out by then