What to do when you're in over your head

[Beth]

  Jarvis' issues aren't getting any better, and i don't know what to do. I've been trying so hard with him and trying to remove any triggers but he's just the way he is, and i don't think anything i do can actually change his personality. He is picking on Lucy the same, or maybe even worse than ever, i can't trust him at all with Indie as he will snap at him if he so much as touches him, which inevitably means he spends a huge chunk of the day behind a stairgate in order to keep them separate. This has also started him guarding the whole kitchen from Lucy and he growls when she goes in there. He's also gone for a few dogs on walks, which although only rare just seems to add to the stuff he does which gets me down. I am resenting him for being the way he is, which is obviously not his fault, his life has changed beyond all recognition over the past 18 months and he was quite happy with it the way it was.

I just really don't know what to do for the best, i still need to find a behaviourist to help me, but tbh i don't know what they can do to help, no matter how good someone is they aren't going to change him into the dog i want him to be.

[JennyBee]

I have no advice, just wanted to say I’m really sorry you’re going through this… I’ve lived with a ‘difficult’ dog and know how hard it is (((((hugs)))))

Jenny x

[EmmaA]

Oh Beth I'm really sorry that you are feeling so down about this    
I do think you should try a behaviourist because even though you don't know what they can do they might have some really great ideas. Jarvis may never become the dog that you want him to be but he may come close with the right advice and training.
I really hope you manage to sort something out Beth, and go easy on yourself. you are one busy lady with a lot on your plate and things probably feel worse because of this.
Good Luck  

[Karma]

Beth, I had assumed things had settled down a bit with Jarvis....    Sorry to hear they haven't...

As others have said, a behaviourist might not turn him into a perfect dog, but they might be able to give you the tools to make the situation manageable again...  after all, things are going to continue to change, and Indie is probably at the point where he is most difficult for a dog to respond to - too young to really know about giving dogs space, but old enough to want to be with him, and to move of his own accord!

In the meantime, does he need a walk with another gobby cocker??  I can always come along somewhere on Sunday - even if it's just to give you a bit of company for a walk... Honey is gradually improving, but I know how it feels to think you have somehow ended up with the hound from hell.  How long till you are going to be driving??  Once you are, I would really look into doing some kind of class with him, just to help you start enjoying him again... 

[Beth]

Thank you

I will start searching for a behaviourist again.. i was in contact with one, went through everything on the phone then she said i was too far for her to help so i got quite put off by that, as i don't find discussing it particularly easy anyway, it might be easier once i'm driving as i assume they'll have stooge dogs which would help to show his worse side. I'm also on the waiting list for an agility class but i'm not sure if that'd help him to focus on me, or if it'd encourage his obsessive impatient side like chasing tennis balls does... can only try it and see i s'pose, but it'll be at least a few months before there's a space anyway. But yeah, it'd be nice to have some more fun time with him, i think because his issues are getting to me the rest of his time is becoming more of a chore for me too.

(Sorry for putting the thread in the wrong place mods wasn't paying attention.)

[Mundyboy]

Ah Beth that must have been a hard post for you.  You always strike me as a strong person and able to cope with most things that come your way.  I can offer little advice for your present situation.  Maybe, just maybe, Jarvis feels that he needs to challenge for your attention with all that is going on in your life.  In the past I had a spaniel that felt he needed to challenge everything in order to get the attention he felt was due to him.  The vet at that time suggested castration and although I was against it (it's a man thing) he did undergo the op and did settle down afterwards (although it took time).  Jarvis may have already been 'done' in which case I have little to offer.  I do hope things go well for you both.  

[Beth]

Ah Beth that must have been a hard post for you.  You always strike me as a strong person and able to cope with most things that come your way.  I can offer little advice for your present situation.  Maybe, just maybe, Jarvis feels that he needs to challenge for your attention with all that is going on in your life.  In the past I had a spaniel that felt he needed to challenge everything in order to get the attention he felt was due to him.  The vet at that time suggested castration and although I was against it (it's a man thing) he did undergo the op and did settle down afterwards (although it took time).  Jarvis may have already been 'done' in which case I have little to offer.  I do hope things go well for you both.  

Unfortunately he lost his wotsits ages ago... i'd love it to be that simple to fix him.

[kalem]

Beth, Im so sorry you are going through this, you were there for me and I really know how you feel, it must be so frustrating for you as Indie has to be your top priority and you are wrestling with feelings and emotions, dont beat yourself up, take a step back and a deep breath and make that call, as said a behavourist may just be able to make life and Jarvis a little easier to cope with 

pm me if you need to offload and take care 

[Karma]

I'm also on the waiting list for an agility class but i'm not sure if that'd help him to focus on me, or if it'd encourage his obsessive impatient side like chasing tennis balls does... can only try it and see i s'pose, but it'll be at least a few months before there's a space anyway. But yeah, it'd be nice to have some more fun time with him, i think because his issues are getting to me the rest of his time is becoming more of a chore for me too.

I doubt agility would encourage his obsessive impatient side - there is a lot of control involved, as well as the mad dashing!!! 

There really is a lot to be said for doing something to make you enjoy the relationship with your dog - doing the obedience stuff with Honey has been great - we have fun, it gives us something to work on when we are at home, and it seems to have helped her confidence around other dogs too...   

Hope you find a behaviourist who can help you out... I reckon anyone you do see is gonna want to see Jarvis at home, as so much of it seems to be related to Indie and Lucy...   

[bibathediva]

Beth...im sorry you are struggling at the minute  its not much fun when something you should be enjoying turns out to be a pain in the rear  and dont think i have any real advise 
I agree that no one can change your dogs personality...but I think you can change the reaction/behaviour of a dog and how they deal with different things and also the reactions and behaviour of the human to the dogs issues....but i do think it needs a behaviourist to help do that  they are not close to the situation so can see a different view ...It really does help to just off load to a third party and to get some understanding of why he is behaving how he is  they are also good as you feel you have back up and are not struggling alone which i think can add to your feelings of resentment if you feel you are coping on your own 


Hope you manage to find some help...you have worked really hard for him perhaps its time to share the workload a little 

[Helen]

Beth...im sorry you are struggling at the minute  its not much fun when something you should be enjoying turns out to be a pain in the rear  and dont think i have any real advise 
I agree that no one can change your dogs personality...but I think you can change the reaction/behaviour of a dog and how they deal with different things and also the reactions and behaviour of the human to the dogs issues....but i do think it needs a behaviourist to help do that  they are not close to the situation so can see a different view ...It really does help to just off load to a third party and to get some understanding of why he is behaving how he is  they are also good as you feel you have back up and are not struggling alone which i think can add to your feelings of resentment if you feel you are coping on your own 


Hope you manage to find some help...you have worked really hard for him perhaps its time to share the workload a little 

I've been struggling to write something here Beth, but bibathediva sums it up for me 

Hope you can find the right behaviourist to help, I'm sure Mark may have contacts for you so pm him.

[SkyeSue]

Sorry to hear this Beth and wish I had some advice to offer 

I suppose, in its simplest terms, your relationship with Jarvis has hit a really bad patch, and you now have to find a way to rebuild it. I really hope that you can both get the help you need. Will be thinking about you and good luck with whatever you decide 

[Rats and Dogs]

I'm also sorry to hear that Jarvis isn't doing too great at the moment. I hope you can get the help you need for him.

[Nicola]

Beth...im sorry you are struggling at the minute  its not much fun when something you should be enjoying turns out to be a pain in the rear  and dont think i have any real advise 
I agree that no one can change your dogs personality...but I think you can change the reaction/behaviour of a dog and how they deal with different things and also the reactions and behaviour of the human to the dogs issues....but i do think it needs a behaviourist to help do that  they are not close to the situation so can see a different view ...It really does help to just off load to a third party and to get some understanding of why he is behaving how he is  they are also good as you feel you have back up and are not struggling alone which i think can add to your feelings of resentment if you feel you are coping on your own 


Hope you manage to find some help...you have worked really hard for him perhaps its time to share the workload a little 

I've been struggling to write something here Beth, but bibathediva sums it up for me 

And me. I've been in a cr@ppy situation with the dogs too so I know what it feels like when you just don't know what to do for the best. I hope you can get the help you need for you and Jarvis

[Michele]

Beth...im sorry you are struggling at the minute  its not much fun when something you should be enjoying turns out to be a pain in the rear  and dont think i have any real advise 
I agree that no one can change your dogs personality...but I think you can change the reaction/behaviour of a dog and how they deal with different things and also the reactions and behaviour of the human to the dogs issues....but i do think it needs a behaviourist to help do that  they are not close to the situation so can see a different view ...It really does help to just off load to a third party and to get some understanding of why he is behaving how he is  they are also good as you feel you have back up and are not struggling alone which i think can add to your feelings of resentment if you feel you are coping on your own 


Hope you manage to find some help...you have worked really hard for him perhaps its time to share the workload a little 

I've been struggling to write something here Beth, but bibathediva sums it up for me 

And me. I've been in a cr@ppy situation with the dogs too so I know what it feels like when you just don't know what to do for the best. I hope you can get the help you need for you and Jarvis

Agree with the above.

I've had a share of problems too so you have my sympathy. I hope you can get the right sort of help to ease this situation.