Author Topic: Underconfident and over-attached; seeking help  (Read 1442 times)

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Offline GoldGirl

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Underconfident and over-attached; seeking help
« on: August 17, 2018, 12:34:48 PM »
Hi Folks,

It's my first post on the board, and I'm really happy to have found a home for all things Cocker. I also really hope you can help me...

I started working with dogs a few years ago, and started taking holiday care of a young Cocker in 2015 who was just six months old when he first came to me. We shall call him Flumps. He'd come to the area with his owners when he was just four months old, so had already undergone one move. During the next year or so, his owners bought another dog (a very biddable and lovely young black Lab), went on holiday four times, employed a decorator who Flumps took a strong dislike to, not helped when said decorator threw him across a room one day in response to Flump's continued barking, and he generally had a very unsettled time. I know some dogs are more emotionally robust than others, and Flumps, unfortunately, is a very sensitive and reactive dog who probably endured a bit too much when a bit too young. A year or so after coming to me, his owner fell very ill and so he moved in with me semi-permanently. During this time, his owners also bought three cats - Flumps hates cats - and in effect, made it very difficult for Flumps to ever return home. So now, although not legally mine, Flumps lives with me and I take care of him - vet bills, food bills, everything. But I am troubled by his behaviour and am seeking some support.

It's not his fault, of course; it's mine. Train the owner and cure the dog. But we're far too attached. He's cartoon cute and I fell in love with him the day I first met him. And having felt terribly sorry for him, we're now ridiculously over-bonded to the extent that I can't book a holiday because he just wouldn't manage without me. A side issue is that he's still intact, as he approaches four, as his 'owners' won't permit me to have him neutered. Hey ho.

So, a few examples -

1 - he loves playing with his ball but will only fetch a ball thrown by me. If he does choose to fetch a ball chosen by someone else, he will trot straight past them and return it to me. Mostly, he'll just look at the ball, then look at me, and do nothing.

2 - he stayed with my mum for one night; howled the house down and scraped at the door

3 - I have an old friend living with me (a man) and there is much dislike between the pair of them. Flumps has growled at him when he approaches, and normally he'll grudgingly heed this, but a couple of times, when drunk, but he's carried on approaching him and then tore strips off me when Flumps nipped him. I did point out that a growl is a warning and he should've backed off, but I still concede that there is a problem and no dog should bite. I do not know, however, that he's not had a similar negative experience with my lodger as he did with my decorator.

4 - he was crated at first, and it worked, but he's started howling every morning at 6am and I've had complaints from neighbours. I've since started him sleeping upstairs with me. Not ideal at all, but I'm reliant on the goodwill of my neighbours to do the work I do (and love), so at the moment, that's the situation.

5 - if I'm upstairs, or in a room he can't get to, he can whine and howl. Oddly, though, when I'm out of the house and he knows I'm not around, he'll just sleep on the sofa quietly, so his separation anxiety is not something which follows me out of the door.

With me, and people he likes, he's adorable. He is adorable full stop, really, and I know that he has just reacted to my love for him, but I know that for me to be happy away from him - when I need to be - and for him to feel more confident, I need to change the way things are. He's largely okay with women - not fond of men (which I think goes back to the decorator). My lodger has described him to me, when I'm out of the house, as being 'on standby.' Sighs, sleeps, can't be motivated to do anything. The second I get back, he's up on his back legs, chubby cartoon paws on my shoulders, licking my face. He's got great recall and is relaxed in situations that I wouldn't expect him to be; we've travelled on the train and buses, and he just sits on my lap quietly.

In the house, there are very few boundaries, which I know needs changing. He can get on the sofa, sometimes climbs onto my chest and licks my face, can jump up at the worktops in the kitchen when he knows there are treats, bark at the window when the postman comes, and jumps on my bed. Mistakenly, I've let him do these things so he feels that he has the freedom to do this but I know, deep down, that boundaries would be better for him; the onus is on me to change things consistently.

I understand that Cockers can be Velcro dogs and I'm glad that he trusts and loves me as much as he does, but I want him to widen that confidence and be better 'equipped.' I've been looking at various methods, whether it's Cesar Milan or NILIF or Jan Fennell, but would love to know the opinions of other owners and those who are well-experienced with Cockers, so I can get Flumps to the point where he's happy(ish) without me so he's not under undue stress.

Thanks ever so

GoldGirl

Offline bizzylizzy

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Re: Underconfident and over-attached; seeking help
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2018, 04:02:03 PM »
Hi and welcome! Poor little Flumps, he does seem to have had an unfortunate start in life but he‘s lucky to found someone now who really wants to help him, well done to you for taking him on. I would also interpret his „problems“ as being based on lack of confidence, so that would be the first thing to address. To be quite honest, if it was me, I think I‘d try and seek advice from an experienced trainer or behaviourist, as you rightly say, they are very sensitive and if handled wrongly, you might end up exasperating the problem. There is a lot of information and help on the net and lots of books, some good, some not so - I’m not actually a fan of Mr. Milan, some of his methods I feel are questionable (but main thing is the dollars keep rolling in! :-\) I do think you need to urgently be consistant with the bounderies, dogs need them to feel secure, they need to know what they can and can‘t do and letting them get away with things because we feel a bit sorry for them isn‘t the way to go. PLEASE don‘t see that as a criticism, we all do it, my dog gets away with far more than he should, but with a dog with problems, I think you need to be particularly diligent that you‘re giving him clear signals that he knows he can rely on. I‘m sure there‘ll be lots of good advice coming your way, the best first step you made was contacting this site! Very best of luck, do keep us posted and  :bigarmhug: to the little fella, he deserves it!

Offline Leo0106

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Re: Underconfident and over-attached; seeking help
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2018, 07:44:06 PM »
Fully agree with bizzylizzy, boundaries are key
As an owner of a troublesome dog, training and boundaries are key.

A dog trainer who uses positive reinforcement is key. Flumps sounds as though he has already had too much negative reinforcement in his time (again, not a criticism on you, it sound as though a lot of his experiences have been out of your control)

It is clear he has seperation anxiety when leaving you  (I too am going through this as night times at the moment!!) . I wonder whether going back to basics, as of he was a new 8 week pup in his first home would be beneficial. Making sure time away from him is initially brief etc, making sure hes praised when you return providing he's quiet etc.

I wish you all the best, i can't offer much as im still learning myself but be reassured that you have people here to help you with sooo much experience!

Offline phoenix

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Re: Underconfident and over-attached; seeking help
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2018, 12:07:03 AM »
Poor lad.  I would ask to become his legal owner if that’s what you want. It’s not good to have people on your back.  I rehomed a show kennel dog, too nervous for showing. She was the Velcro dog,  but gradually improved. Her rejection of all others meant they didn’t try hard with her, which was a shame.
I realise that barking is a problem. My daughter had to resort to a bark collar for her dog when she was out.  It beeps, and instead of barking he worked out he could still squeak without setting it off, but that was fine. It would have been better to employ a dog walker to take him out, but she couldn’t afford it.
RIP Marti  the EPI springer age 12,  and beloved black cocker Bobby, 8 yrs old, too soon, from PLN.
Now owned by TInker, tiny hairy grey poodle/terrier rescue from Greece and Jack, local rescue,   scruffy ginger terrier mutt.

Offline Digger

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Re: Underconfident and over-attached; seeking help
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2018, 05:45:23 PM »
My goodness-you have a whole hill of problems there, and I really feel for you as I have been in a similar situation. .. with a (sorry) stupid 'owner' who clearly doesn't actually want the dog but wants to still have some sort of control over it!?!
 If you are paying for it and trying to sort it out, you should be given full control of the dog! You clearly have the dogs best interests at heart more than they do. I would say get legal ownership so that you can try to sort the poor thing out, or give them notice to take it back. You can't do an already difficult job with your hands tied behind your back.
How frustrating. Best of luck to you. Rant over :005: