Desperate - please read

[Kiki90]

I almost don’t know where to begin with this post - please take 5 minutes to read and respond - your advice and comments would mean the world right now.

If you are able to view my old posts you will see that we raised concerns over Watsons anxiety when we first got him at 4 months old. Unfortunately things have really been spiralling over the last 2 months and the situation 2 months on is worse than ever.

I can’t stress this enough - my husband wants to rehome our dog and I have no idea what to do

Since we took Watson home he has been completely obsessed with my husband. My husband doesn’t have a moments piece - the dog follows him from room to room. Even if we have a stair gate up , Watson will go crazy - howling, barking, crying, biting himself, drooling. I will be in the room with him but he will not even pay attention to me he just wants my husband.

If my husband goes to the toilet it’s chaos until he comes back. If my husband needs to go to the shops ( I don’t drive) then I have an hour of the dog going crazy and scratching the doors to escape. I have tried ignoring the behaviour and only responding and praising when he’s quiet , it makes no difference. The neighbours have complained twice to the RSPCA as if we aren’t caring for the dog. We really are. He is so well cared for and he isn’t left alone for more than a few minutes because of these issues but they have said that we must not be caring for him as he has periods where they hear him going rather crazy. And he is LOUD.

I have been doing training where I leave and come back into the room and trying to build it up. I am lucky if I get past 5 seconds without him going crazy.

I have approached a few trainers who are not able to visit due to lockdown and both have said it’s a very extreme case and he may even need medication. My vet doesn’t agree with medications as he isn’t reactive. I am trying to book some training sessions with one of the ladies but she has no availability right now and the advice she is giving is already the steps I am doing.

My husband really has no bond with the dog and says his mental health is declining - he feels trapped and as though he has no freedom since he came along. He is extremely overwhelmed. The first few weeks I put it down to puppy blues - it’s a big life style change , but he certainly isn’t himself right now. I know you might be reading this and thinking my gosh that’s a bit extreme - but I do understand where my husband is coming from. It has been a very difficult few months. We looked at getting a dog for a few years, so didn’t expect to feel like this in a million years.

I adore Watson and feel absolutely awful that this is happening, I feel awful that he gets so anxious but it’s also a huge strain on me and my husband. We work from home and we have had occasions where Watson has just lost it during important work calls, eg if my husband has had to go upstairs because I am on one downstairs, and become incredibly anxious and we have had to come off the call. My husband has been pulled up by his director regarding this.

The local dog Walker and dog day care won’t take him at all due to the behaviour issues and for fear of making him worse.

I am at my wits end - I can’t stop crying, the atmosphere in the house this week is bloody miserable as my husband wants me to find the dog a new home - I’m sure as dog owners you can imagine how much the thought of that breaks my heart. I know Watson has his issues but it’s not his fault that he is like this, he has a lovely personality - yes, a little nutty and mischievous but he is as gentle as can be.

I suppose we were well prepared for sleepless nights, toilet accidents, potentially chewed clothes and furniture but this wasn’t a scenario we foreseen.

To make matters more different we have 2 cats who we obsess over and adore - since Watson arrived they don’t like to come in as he chases them. One is a very large cat who will happily stand his ground and swipe Watson , but the other is tiny and Watson will not leave her alone - he almost locks on to her and won’t stop barking until she is removed from the room . Of course we are also working on this and keeping them separate but it’s another reason for my husband to be upset - he treats this cats like children!

Please pleas does any one have any advice. Please try not to be too mean or judgemental. My husband is generally a good man and loves all of ours pets - I didn’t forsee this outcome AT ALL or I would never have taken Watson into our home as now we risk him having to leave which will not only be hugely upsetting for us but very distressing for him too.

[Kiki90]

I almost don’t know where to begin with this post - please take 5 minutes to read and respond - your advice and comments would mean the world right now.

If you are able to view my old posts you will see that we raised concerns over Watsons anxiety when we first got him at 4 months old. Unfortunately things have really been spiralling over the last 2 months and the situation 2 months on is worse than ever.

I can’t stress this enough - my husband wants to rehome our dog and I have no idea what to do

Since we took Watson home he has been completely obsessed with my husband. My husband doesn’t have a moments piece - the dog follows him from room to room. Even if we have a stair gate up , Watson will go crazy - howling, barking, crying, biting himself, drooling. I will be in the room with him but he will not even pay attention to me he just wants my husband.

If my husband goes to the toilet it’s chaos until he comes back. If my husband needs to go to the shops ( I don’t drive) then I have an hour of the dog going crazy and scratching the doors to escape. I have tried ignoring the behaviour and only responding and praising when he’s quiet , it makes no difference. The neighbours have complained twice to the RSPCA as if we aren’t caring for the dog. We really are. He is so well cared for and he isn’t left alone for more than a few minutes because of these issues but they have said that we must not be caring for him as he has periods where they hear him going rather crazy. And he is LOUD.

I have been doing training where I leave and come back into the room and trying to build it up. I am lucky if I get past 5 seconds without him going crazy.

I have approached a few trainers who are not able to visit due to lockdown and both have said it’s a very extreme case and he may even need medication. My vet doesn’t agree with medications as he isn’t reactive. I am trying to book some training sessions with one of the ladies but she has no availability right now and the advice she is giving is already the steps I am doing.

My husband really has no bond with the dog and says his mental health is declining - he feels trapped and as though he has no freedom since he came along. He is extremely overwhelmed. The first few weeks I put it down to puppy blues - it’s a big life style change , but he certainly isn’t himself right now. I know you might be reading this and thinking my gosh that’s a bit extreme - but I do understand where my husband is coming from. It has been a very difficult few months. We looked at getting a dog for a few years, so didn’t expect to feel like this in a million years.

I adore Watson and feel absolutely awful that this is happening, I feel awful that he gets so anxious but it’s also a huge strain on me and my husband. We work from home and we have had occasions where Watson has just lost it during important work calls, eg if my husband has had to go upstairs because I am on one downstairs, and become incredibly anxious and we have had to come off the call. My husband has been pulled up by his director regarding this.

The local dog Walker and dog day care won’t take him at all due to the behaviour issues and for fear of making him worse.

I am at my wits end - I can’t stop crying, the atmosphere in the house this week is bloody miserable as my husband wants me to find the dog a new home - I’m sure as dog owners you can imagine how much the thought of that breaks my heart. I know Watson has his issues but it’s not his fault that he is like this, he has a lovely personality - yes, a little nutty and mischievous but he is as gentle as can be.

I suppose we were well prepared for sleepless nights, toilet accidents, potentially chewed clothes and furniture but this wasn’t a scenario we foreseen.

To make matters more different we have 2 cats who we obsess over and adore - since Watson arrived they don’t like to come in as he chases them. One is a very large cat who will happily stand his ground and swipe Watson , but the other is tiny and Watson will not leave her alone - he almost locks on to her and won’t stop barking until she is removed from the room . Of course we are also working on this and keeping them separate but it’s another reason for my husband to be upset - he treats this cats like children!

Please pleas does any one have any advice. Please try not to be too mean or judgemental. My husband is generally a good man and loves all of ours pets - I didn’t forsee this outcome AT ALL or I would never have taken Watson into our home as now we risk him having to leave which will not only be hugely upsetting for us but very distressing for him too.

[Ben's mum]

I can’t offer advice as what you describe sounds like a problem that does need proper help. I just wanted to say sorry your experience of getting a cocker is so stressful.  Have you contacted Top Barks? He is a very experienced dog behaviourist with vast experience of cockers. I don’t know where you are in the country but if you are not close to him he will point you in the direction of a good trainer/behaviourist. I know you said you have already been in touch with some but they are not all equally good and some have no spaniel experience and I think that does make a difference.
A lot of us have used Mark (if you google Top Barks he should come up) and had really good results.

Our first cocker Ben was awful  I hated his puppy months and my husband and I were often at loggerheads because we didn’t know what to do and it was so demanding and stressful not what I imagined having a puppy would be like. Once we understood what to do, what his issues were and what we had been doing wrong and put some work in he was a very special fabulous dog    and we adored him for 14 years. I think the bond we had was closer because we had to work so hard the first few months with him.

I do hope you can get some help for all of you 

[Pearly]

There are quite a few things you can do to help Watson and in turn help both of you.  You both have to want to do this and if your husband feels this way, now, will be be able to focus on training and doing his part? Both of you need to agree on the approach and rules.

You do need help from a behaviourist.  If you ket us know your area we may be able to point you in the right direction or make a personal recommendation.  Top Barks on here may be able to advise also.

It does sound as though Watson has pretty bad separation anxiety.  You don’t mention in your note what sort of routine he has but he should be sleeping around 18 hours a day - to be fair most dogs do all their lives!  Tire him out using “brain” games and if he’s not in a routine make sure he starts asap - my guys sleep from around 9pm, wake at 7.30ish, go outside, eat, then back to bed until lunchtime!  Afternoons are a bit of training, maybe a walk depending on my workload and back in their crate until tea time.  Food, outside, wander round the garden (its a reasonable size) back indoors where they usually doze in front of the fire until 9pm..... do you put Watson in his crate or safe area or is he with you / your husband all the time?

[Kiki90]

Evening both and thank you for taking time to read my cry for help as well as taking time to respond.

I have told my Husband I am happy to just do this on my own but the bottom line in, he needs to be in it as well or Watson isn’t going to learn. Plus the fact is , he is far more likely to train for my husband as he looks up to him. I just feel like my heart is breaking. I adore him and I feel like it’s ruddy awful that he has become so attached to my husband and my husband isn’t interested.

We spoke for years about getting a dog - I can hardly believe that this is the situation I am finding myself in.

Just to answer a few questions that you raised :

Watson sleeps in his crate at night, it has been by our bed but covered so he can’t see us and we have been slowly moving it further away from the bed -
Ideally he would be in the corridor in his crate but this has been a very slow process for Watsons sake. He sleeps well in the crate and he knows when it’s Bed time and will settle quickly.

During the day I have attempted crating him from time to time just to get him used to it and to create a cosy safe place for him to adapt to for when we do need to leave him alone - his reaction to being crated is literally night and day - he becomes very overwhelmed and will exhibit a lot of anxious behaviour - howling at top volume and shows no signs of stopping. It’s so upsetting to watch. This is with us still in the room and close by.

As for routine - he is a wee star. We wake in the morning at 6am, he goes with my husband for a 30 min walk before breakfast. Between 7-10 ish he tends to just relax in the living room. We take him out to the garden to play tug of war or fetch before lunch. He is fed, sleeps some more at our feet while we work. In the afternoon we tend to give a snuffle mat or kong /
Licky mat to keep him occupied for a while which he loves. He is very chilled during the day and will sleep most of the time. He has dinner before going for another half hour walk around the local area.

In the evening he likes to play some more tug of war or just chew on a toy before heading to bed with us.

He is toilet trained , as well as sit, lie down and stay.

He is the loveliest thing. It is just the separation that is causing a lot of stress within the house. This isn’t a marriage council session but it’s so hard when my husband just can’t see the good because he is so hung up on the anxiety. I know it’s hard and I know he has a very severe case of it but we should be at least trying to help him not jumping to rehoming him - I dread to think what Watson will be like if he is removed from his secure home here.

I am in the north of Scotland in the Highlands and I am more than happy to speak with / pay a professional for advice on this matter.

Thank you again . Been crying since I have posted this and feeling downright awful

[Pearly]

My first cocker was a very difficult pup which is why I’m on this forum. 

If I am to be brutally honest with you, Watson is getting far too much attention from you both without earning it.  Letting him be in your room overnight or by your feet as you work just “feeds” the anxiety.  It won’t be easy and others on here have more experience than I do but my first suggestion is to enforce the separation but to make it as least stressful as possible for you and him. It might be worth feeding him in his crate and accelerating moving him out of your bedroom.

I am connected to Mark at Top Barks and have asked him to look at your post when he can.

[Ben's mum]

You are right it needs both of you on board, but it is overwhelming and I suppose if you get support and ideas about what you can do your husband might well come round. To be honest it was me that sorted out most of Bens issues initially as my husband struggled to deal with it. But once things settled he very quickly built a strong and loving bond with him.

Mark (Top Barks) is in York so miles from you I’ve just looked at his website it’s now topbarksfordogs.co.uk have a look and see what you think it’s worth speaking to him to see who he recommends nearer to you. At this stage getting the right person is important who can deal properly with the issues.

If you look at the behaviour section on here over the years there have been so many people pushed to the edge by cockers with either  guarding issues or separation anxiety, and they say similar things to you, but also I have seen lots of people work through it and come out the other side so don’t give up cockers can be complex little dogs but so worth the work in the end

[Ben's mum]

Whoops sorry Pearly  I think I posted at the same time as you, I didn’t know you were connected to Mark, I nipped off to find his website details!  He helped us with Ben and our rescue Harry.

[Pearly]

Mark has suggested looking at the APBC website for a Behaviourist

[Mari]

Have you tried adaptil room diffusers? It won't solve the problem, but it could help get the anxiety levels down. It helped my dog when she suffered from separation anxiety.
Other things that can help during training is stuff like aptus relax treats, thunder shirt or anxiety wrap. All good tools to aid while training.

Sounds like Watson has some fun days with you. If he is more attached to your husband you could make sure to be the one to provide walks, food, and training as much as he does. I feel like that builds a connection in a different way than playtime and cuddles.

My dog does not really have separation anxiety anymore. But she will bark/scream in frustration if we leave a room and shut the door so she cannot follow. I tried training, but she just has this habit. If, however, the person leaving the room drops some treats on the floor so she is busy searching when the door closes she is fine an will not get worked up even when she notices they are gone. You could try and see if it helps at all to have your husband give a kong or some treats on the floor when he leaves the room.

Sorry I can't give more advise. But I know the feeling of having the puppy time be more worry than anyone could plan for. And I know what it's like when someone in the household is not agreeing on how to approach the issues. So I absolutely feel for you! Hope you can get some help or see some improvement soon. Everyone feeling miserable is just not fair for any of you.

[bizzylizzy]

Hi, I can‘t give any additional advice I‘m afraid as it does sound as if you need to talk to someone who can ask the right questions and make a better a proper assessment of the situation. I think Pearly has a good point re the attention he‘s receiving, its obviously a stressful situation for all of you and Watson is most certainly picking up on it. A bit more time out would do you all good and teach Watson that he‘s not the center of attention all of the time.
I hope you can get the help you need and that you‘ll soon be able to relax and enjoy life with Watson.
Very best of luck, please keep us posted!

[Archie bean]

I’m so sorry. I don’t have much more to offer by way of advice to add to what’s already been said. A behaviourist is certainly the way to start - very difficult with Covid though, I agree.

One thing strikes me from reading your previous posts. I see the first owners had Watson’s sister too? Do you think they were 100% honest about why they gave him up? I’m wondering if you’ve heard of littermate syndrome?  Could he have been completely attached to his sister and is now really struggling to cope without her? For whatever reason he has attached himself to your husband instead?  I’m not sure what the answer is but I’m just wondering if this could at least explain where the problem may have begun.

Cocker puppies can be incredibly challenging at the best of times (I cried many buckets of tears with my Archie - who was absolutely hellish!). If you have taken on a pup that already had some issues you may not have been made aware of then it isn’t surprising that you are struggling. Massive hugs to all 3 of you. I promise it’s worth it in the end so I really hope you can find the help you need.

[Kiki90]

Thank you all for responding. I did outreach to Mark but he no longer deals with separation anxiety. I also messaged 2 others who I sourced through the APBC but I’m yet to hear back. Husband wants Watson to go live with my mother in law from this weekend but A) I know that my mother in law will not cope with him as he needs a lot of time and training and Watson will surely be even worse if he is removed from us.

It really feels like a ‘me or the dog’ situation.

Arciebean, I have never heard of littermate syndrome but this could be absolutely viable. To be honest I believe there were reasons why Watson was returned to the breeder and we were not informed. The breeder was in a rush to have him rehomed but we were told this was just due to him going back to work - I am beginning to think the breeder also saw problems in Watsons behaviour and was dishonest with us. He has virtually disappeared since we brought him him and has had no contact with us.

Absolutely stuck and don’t know what to do. If he can’t stay here I don’t even know what the best thing is to do with him - I don’t want him to go to my mother in law as I know he needs a home who is prepared and even has experience in this behaviour.

BRB , crying again!

[annclare]

I suggest you talk to Spaniel Assist Rescue and Rehoming; they do a wonderful job at finding new homes for spaniels. Dawn will understand your problems and give the best advice for you all; the most needing help i your puppy! x

[bizzylizzy]

Hi again,
I was also just about to suggest having a talk  with a good reputable rehoming organization, not necessarily to arrange rehoming at this point but to ask if they have any suggestions as to who could help you, I don‘t live in UK so have had no dealings with any specific ones but I would imagine they have experience and contacts.
 
I‘ve just read through your post again and it did occur to me, from how you described your day, that you yourself don‘t appear to have any one to one time with Watson for training? - i.e. your husband takes him for a walk first thing and then you play etc altogether? I just wondered if you could take him out, away from the house and your husband, and do some training with him, - maybe start with focusing his attention on looking at you ( lots of videos etc online to help you, clicker training is also a good way to start) . My thinking is, that if you can get him to look to you for the guidance and security he seems to be looking for, it might help his self confidence. - any sort of training exercise which he can learn to carry out successfully and then be praised for for achieving would help.. The one to one would not only help the bond between you and Watson but also put a bit of distance between you and the situation in the house, which is clearly stressful for all of you. The calmer you can remain, the nearer you‘ll be to finding a solution. I do hope you can resolve it!