Thank you all for your lovely lovely replies, can't tell you how much it has helped over this last week.
Elaine, conflicted is exactly the right word I just want to do the right thing by Ben but have to accept the strain on our life is getting harder each day.
Penny you are right about Harry, I have noticed this last week he has started to get edgy when Ben is wandering near him, he moves from chair to chair to get out of his way.
Thank you again you are a wonderful lot of people