Help & advice urgently needed please.

[Eva-Rose]

Hello everyone, I am new to the forum (this is my first post) and I am in need of some help or advice about my new puppy.  I am hoping that you won't all judge me for what I am about to tell you, but I understand if you do.

6 months ago I lost my 5 year old smooth coat chihuahua 'Moby'.  He was a wonderful little dog and without question my best friend in the world.  Even though I'm in my 30's with kids and a hubby, I shared a real bond with Moby and we would share walks, cuddles on the sofa and just a perfect pet-owner relationship.  I work from home so his company was invaluable on lonely week days when kids were at school and hubby was at work.

His passing was sudden and very shocking, and for a while I was numb, but then the loneliness hit me like a ten tonne truck and the pain was (and still is) immense and all consuming.  People say to me "he was only a dog" - but to me he wasn't, he was my little soul mate.

Anyway..... After about 3 months of utter desolation and suffering on my part, I decided to get a new puppy.  I had so much love still to give and I felt that I should just bite the bullet and bring a new dog in to the house ASAP.  I didn't want another Chihuahua because to me it seemed like I would be betraying Moby (silly I know) and I have always admired Show Type Cockers, so I started to do some research on local breeders and see what was available and when etc....

I found a lovely breeder about 30 miles from me who has been breeding cockers for over 25 years.   I took my whole family to meet them, and we viewed a litter of puppies who were ready in a few weeks.  They were beautiful pups, from health tested, champion parents, so we chose a female pup and left a deposit.

So now to bring you up to speed, I have had my puppy 'Lily' home with us for nearly 3 weeks and I am at my wits end.  She is so so dirty and unresponsive.  I have had dogs all my life and I have never known a pup like her.  I know she's a baby, and her bladder/bowel control is non existent, but she isn't showing any grasp of even wanting to learn.  She constantly wee's/poo's and lays in it.  She messes in her crate every night and even though I get up 3 or 4 times in the night, I wake up at 6am to her covered in poo & wee and generally stinking my house out.  She is having to be bathed nearly everyday and I have had to throw out 9 blankets already.

Also I can't deal with her constantly having her ears in her water and food - is this normal? It's absolutely disgusting and she's always wet and slimy & smelly.  I read somewhere that some cocker owners 'tie their dogs ears back with a hair band' while they eat or drink!!  Is this true?? It seems a little cruel to me, or am I being silly?

My children won't go near her because she's so filthy and smelly, and to be completely honest, I am starting to resent her, and even worse, I just can't stand to look at her.  I know now that I didn't give myself time to grieve for Moby, and the fact that Lily is such the polar opposite to him is making things worse.  I thought it would help getting such a different breed of dog, but things are just awful.

The breeder is keeping in touch and offering some advice (more moral support than anything concrete), but at the moment I just want her out of the house.  I have considered advertising her for sale and all sorts.  This is not me at all, and I hate myself for even writing or thinking these things, but I am finding myself in tears everyday - especially during the day times when I should be enjoying my new baby..... All I can do is think of Moby.   I heard my husband on the phone to his mum the other day, in hushed tones saying that he's worried because I seem to 'hate' the new puppy....

I'm not a novice dog owner. Years ago I used to foster rescue dogs for a local rescue centre, and I have had big and small dogs in this house from every walk of life - but I have never known any dog to foul it's own bed and sleep in it.  I am just terrified that she will get used to doing this, and it will form a real 'habit' over time. 

In hindsight I think maybe I should have rescued an older dog, but I worry about losing them too soon and I just wanted to hedge my bets by getting a good quality pup from a decent breeder in the hopes that we would share a good, long, happy life together.  I had no idea that I would ever feel this way, and I feel I am letting her down so badly that she might be better off without me.

I'm so sorry to start my 'forum life' with a post like this, but I am so tired, stressed and emotional and I just don't know what to do anymore.  I need someone to help point out the positives for me, because at the moment I cannot see any light at the end of this dark tunnel at all.

Thanks so much in advance,

Becca xx

[8 Hairy Feet]

Ok take a deep breath...
you have a busy home life and
as we all know a puppy brings chaos!
How big is the crate? If it's too big she will
have space to go ,you can try dividing it up
so she only has sleeping space.
Is it in your room so you can hear her if she
wants to go in the night?
You can get spaniel bowls with a small
aperture so her ears will fall down the sides
and not get in food/water.
also bear in mind that not all CoL members
are here all the time so you may have to
be patient until the experts see your post.
Don't be so hard on yourself....many
folk on here will tell you that they have
had thoughts of sending their pup back
and I include myself in that (Not a cocker
pup though)
steffxxx

[vixen]

Oh Eva- Rose, big 
Reading your post brought back memories of when my two girls were puppies.
Just like you, I had lost a previous dog (GSP) tragically and unexpectedly.  The pain was immense and I went into a great depression.  I didn't want another dog but the house was empty without one and I dreaded returning home with no dog to greet me.
Like you, I couldn't have the same breed (felt like replacing him) so I went for cockers, couldn't have the same sex either and had two!
Even though I wanted them, at first I really resented them.  They were in Max's house, in his garden and of course were never as good as Max (this was really unfair as he was a 6 year old and they were babies).
I even wrote out an advert for them   
Stevie was really hard to house train as I could be out with her in the garden for ages and she would come in and do it straight away.
Even though I didn't really like them, I also thought that it wasn't their fault they weren't Max and I had just got to accept them for what they were.
Once the house training was conquered, we turned a corner and have never looked back.
The advert never got placed and of course they are still with me.
To say I love them is an understatement.  They are my world 
So just give yourself and your puppy time.
Don't compare her to Moby as she will never be him but you will grow to love her for her own qualities.
I am sure other COLers will come on and advise on practical matters to help you. 

[JennyBee]

I am sorry to read how hard things are for you at the moment . You are still grieving for your lovely Moby, and it is not unexpected for it to be so hard to bond with a new pup, especially when they are 'difficult'. I brought Brodie home eight weeks after losing Barney, and she was a very hyper, extreme biting machine. I couldn't clap her or even give her a cuddle... It was very difficult and I just couldn't love her as much as I expected to. And yes, I seriously thought of taking her back.

One thing I think makes it very hard - you have known your previous dog for years, know them inside out including all their habits, and then all of a sudden you have a small, wriggly and very smelly puppy who knows nothing and is in complete contrast to what you are used to, and it can be very daunting.

Some pups unfortunately don't seem to have much perception when it comes to poo and wee, and I know there are others on here who have had similar problems and hopefully they will be along with advice. All I can say is that your little pup will learn, eventually, and it will in the end be worth it. I look back now and know I would never have gotten over losing Barney without Brodie. In the end, it was the best decision I ever made, and I couldn't love her more .

Re the ears - you can buy special spaniel bowls, not sure if there are puppy sized ones but there probably are. I think if you are finding it overwhelming, then try to take a break from her, even if it means getting someone you trust to look after her for a few hours.

I think this is just going to be a case of time - time to grieve for Moby and time for you to get to know and love your puppy. And it may take some time for that bond to appear, but I can promise you it will. Just try and not feel bad that you are having these feelings. Big, big

[BeeBoo]

http://www.cockersonline.co.uk/discuss/index.php?topic=104967.0 - scroll down to my post in this thread, these are special spaniel bowls (plastic) that I own and wouldn't be without, my puppy had them from 8weeks of age.

I also echo what Steff says that perhaps Lily's crate is too big - could you measure it and let us know so we could advise? It may be advised you would benefit more from a playpen than a crate.

Don't give her away. You are obviously a dog lover and can provide this little girl with a lifetime of happiness, and she you.

 

[Eva-Rose]

You are all very kind and supportive.  I think everything you've said is true.  In some ways I need to get some closure on Moby's passing, and accept that Lily is separate from him..... Different... And a new start.

It's so hard when you've loved a dog (or any pet) for so long.  The heartache is awful

Spaniel bowls sound like a godsend!!!  How have I not seen them before? lol!  I think I need to invest in a couple right now

I guess in a year or so, I will look back on this and wonder why I was struggling to much, but right now it feels like a massive hurdle that I'll never get over.  It does feel better getting feedback from people who understand though, so thank you so much for accepting me.  I really appreciate it.

P.s I have also written out an advert for her....  Which made me feel even worse and I deleted it instantly.

[fiona2]

where abouts are you? Anywhere near Fareham in Hampshire

[Eva-Rose]

Nope.... Colchester Essex

[fiona2]

ooo not near then

[elaine.e]

I've had Cockers for a long time, but nothing prepared me for puppy Louis 4 years ago. He was without doubt the most difficult Cocker puppy I've ever had (and I still say I'll never have another one as a puppy in case I get another Louis ), but he's still here and is very much loved.

He was dreadful in his crate at night and no matter how often I got up he would have already had a pee or a poo and walked in it and laid down in it. There were many nights when I had to wash and dry a stinky puppy at stupid o'clock and then do the same again, plus clean and disinfect the crate, in the morning. In the end I gave up with the crate and gave him more space, a play pen, with his bed in it and a couple of puppy pads at the other end. It worked, and although he used the puppy pads every night at first he and the playpen were clean when I came down to him and he settled more quickly. I know that's the opposite of what some others have said so far on here, but it worked for me and Louis. He was pretty slow to housetrain in the daytime too, but I persevered with taking him out as soon as he woke, straight after meals and very frequently in between and eventually the penny dropped. I think he was just a very immature puppy, physically and mentally, compared to the other Cocker puppies I'd had.

The bad news.......he's still a very messy drinker and leaves pools and trails of water everywhere after a drink. I honestly think he just doesn't know how to drink properly

I'm really sorry about Moby and I'm sure the fact that you're still grieving for him (understandably so) is what's making everything seem so bad at the moment. It took me ages to bond with Louis. I used to look at him in the middle of the night when cleaning up and wonder what I'd done to deserve such a little monster but we got there in the end

Spaniel bowls will help with the ears, but you could also gently wash and towel dry her ear tips after meals. I used to with Louis and it became part of our grooming and getting him used to being handled routine and helped with bonding too.

[Jane S]

You've been given lots of good advice so far and I'm sure things will get better if you persevere but if you do decide you can't keep your pup, please let her go back to her breeder - good breeders will always take pups they have bred back and some might even take a pup back for shorter periods to give you a break. Years ago we had an owner similar to you who had reached breaking point and couldn't cope so brought their pup back - a week later they were begging us to give her back to them and after a lot of soul searching we agreed and there she stayed very happily for the rest of her long life

Re the slimy ears, as well as the spaniel bowls, you might also want to invest in some snoods which help keep ears out of food and water. You can get small sized snoods which would fit a puppy here: http://www.topdogshowsupplies.co.uk/snoods

[Victoria25]

Hello. Sorry you are having a hard time. When Poppy was little we used cat bowls with sloped sides for her. They kept her ears nice and dry! They are at my mum's house now and she still uses them.

http://m.wilko.com/wilko/product/detail.do?categoryId=&itemId=9531040

Do you have a photo of her? It's obligatory here you know!

[Skyempress]

I don't have much more advice for you but just wanted to share that Snowy was my first puppy as a grown up and I was completely overwhelmed by it.  More than with my own babies.  I thought the biting and pooping and peeing and jumping would never stop.  But only yesterday I was thinking just how different she is now (6 months).  She still has the occasional accident in the house but most are in the garden.  We do a lot of training with her which she just loves, and has taken a real shine to trick training.  At night rather than jump on my and bite me she would rather have a snuggle on the sofa.

It probably doesn't feel like it at the moment but this young, stupid puppy stage is actually very short.  Try start doing some basic training with with Lily, a few minutes two or three times a day where armed with treats you teach her a few commands.  It will help her learn to learn and give you both a bit of no pressure bonding time. xx

[Ruby Tuesday]

Our cocker was our third dog but by far the hardest work as a pup, in all sorts of ways! She is also the funniest little thing and we love her to bits. At 18 months she is still a monkey but much, much calmer and very loving and loyal. I wouldn't swap her for the world.

Hang on in there, things will get better. We'd love to see photos 

[williamsmum]

Eva-Rose, reading your story brought back so many memories for me! In 1995 I decided that I wanted a dog, and as I have always loved GSD's, that was my first choice. We got Max, a great big bounding puppy who chose me rather than the other way round. I loved him to bits, but God, did he drive me to distraction!! Every night he was given a good walk before bedtime... every night he had me up at 3am with the kitchen awash with pooh and wee. Every night I was pulling the fridge/freezer out to clean behind it. That dog drove me nuts!!! One day when I was at work he trashed the house - I thought we had had burglars when I got home! Bought him a big kennel and left him in the garden. Got home one day (I only worked part time) and every fencing panel had been pulled out, and there he was, sitting in my neighbour's garden, looking as pleased as punch. Last straw was when I left him in the garden for 20 minutes one day, while I nipped down to Pets at Home to get a bag of dog food. I got back and found my rotary line leaning at 45 degrees, with all my clean washing scattered everywhere. That was it - he had to go! Back to the breeders we went, and she very kindly took him back from me. What a relief!! And then, after a couple of days, a strange thing happened. I came in from work expecting to find him waiting for me, and he wasn't there. I felt an odd lump in my throat. I started wondering how he was, if he was missing me - though God knows why he should!! After nearly a week, my OH suggested ringing the breeder just to see if she still  had him. Luckily she did, and we went over to get him. Ten years later my heart broke when he died. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel. You are still feeling mixed up over the death of your previous dog. Just give it a little bit more time before making any final decisions. Sometimes the greatest battles are those that have been hardest fought. You said it yourself -tired, stressed and emotional. Pups can be hard, hard work. But unless you are 100 percent certain, try to hang in there. It will get better, honestly it will.